It should have been a happy day. It wasn’t. In fact, I felt like I was sitting in an open grave. Unable to stand up and walk away. Allow me to explain…
the results of young and stupid
We recently found ourselves on the receiving end of an unplanned sum of money. Not enough to quit a job certainly, but enough to pay off several debts that have buried us for decades. To be clear, I’m not talking about our modest house mortgage or used car payments. I’m talking about credit debt. WAY too much credit debt if I’m being truthful. In our defense, some of those obligations were a result of college tuitions, medical bills and various unforeseen lousy circumstances. But let’s be honest, okay? Most of that debt represented a whole lot of “young and stupid”. In other words, buying stuff on credit that we didn’t immediately need, but we sure did want. Stuff that we felt we had “earned” because we worked hard and were generally nice people. Why shouldn’t we take that vacation? Have those new clothes? Enjoy a room of new furniture?
So we bought. Nothing flashy or extravagant, mind you. I am a fairly low-maintenance girl married to a fairly simple boy. We just purchased things that we should have waited and saved for instead of quickly buying with the bank’s money. Because guess what? The banks aren’t our friends, and they would like their money back with interest. I get it. It’s business.
buried financially and emotionally
Not only did those debts financially bury me, but emotionally entomb me as well. Our mountain of financial mess was colored deep shades of shame and regret for me. Regret that we didn’t handle our money with more wisdom or restraint early in our marriage, and plenty of regret that those decisions had control over us still. Every month I sent another minimum payment I heard the same recording in my head. “You should be ashamed of yourself.” And so, I dutifully sat in the grave we had dug for ourselves, deeply ashamed.
suddenly my grave was opened
Then along came that unplanned sum of money and freedom was closer than ever before. With a few clicks of a button we were able to knock our daunting mountain down to a manageable mole hill. In other words, we were able to pay down a significant chunk of our credit debt and pay cash for some long-overdue repairs to the house. There was finally light breaking through the burden. There was space to finally exhale. What a glorious leap toward financial freedom, right?
Except I didn’t feel glorious. Or free. Nope, I felt… well… nothing. I remember the exact day the payments all posted to our accounts and zeroed out the balances due. My husband was so happy! I was grateful to be sure, but numb. Almost dead inside.
What in the world? What was the matter with me? I should have been rejoicing in the streets at the very least. Instead I was sitting in an open grave with all the joyfulness of a corpse. Those accounts had kept me wide awake plenty of nights to be sure, buried under their weight financially and emotionally. And now those debts were gone. POOF! Eradicated. So, where was my sense of relief? I thought I’d feel alive again!
clearing my muddled mind
And that’s when I asked God for guidance. I should mention that He doesn’t audibly talk to me in a voice that I can physically hear with my ears. (No burning bushes in our front yard either, although that would be pretty neat.) Instead He communicates with me through pictures in my head. Or sometimes the sharp arrow of an unexpected thought cutting to the front of my muddled mind – usually a thought I don’t recognize. Sometimes He even speaks a word to me through other people. (Some of you reading this blog have served as that person for me at one time or another. Thank you!) Anyway, I looked up to the wide blue sky while still sitting in my open grave and said something like this…
Hey, God. Can we talk about something?
You know I love our chats. What’s on your mind?
Well, I am forever grateful for this unplanned money and the freedom from debt it represents. I honestly doubted that the day would ever come that we would be free from those accounts. Now that day is here, and I feel no comfort.
Why do you think that is?
I’m not entirely sure, but I think it has something to do with the fact I didn’t EARN it. That gift was given to us out of love and sacrifice. I didn’t deserve it, and I can’t “pay it forward” to someone else. It’s almost like I still owe somebody something.
I see. Do you carry those same thoughts over into your relationship with Me?
What do You mean?
I mean, do you have difficulty fully accepting My love and grace because you didn’t earn it? You feel you don’t deserve it, and you will always “owe” Me a debt you can never repay?
Well… … … yes … … … … that’s probably accurate.
And did you notice what week your credit accounts cleared to zero?
The week of Good Friday and Easter. (I’m beginning to see the connection You are suggesting.)
Right. The week of My biggest sacrifice, given freely out of love as a gift to cover your debts. You owe nothing for that. Zero. Nada. You just have to receive it.
But, I have received it! I have received You! I try to walk in relationship with You as closely as I can.
Yes, and I love that. And you don’t fully embrace the JOY and PEACE that comes from relationship with Me despite your circumstances. Just like your heart couldn’t experience relief when your credit accounts were paid in full. You are still sitting in an open grave wondering if you have earned the right to leave. I am not shame, and I am not regret. I AM the light in the darkness. Step out of that open grave and join me. Feel joy and peace no matter your circumstances. That’s the life I gave to you. That’s the life I want for you. And I’m right here. Waiting. For YOU. I have saved you a good seat in the sunshine.
Are we still sitting in an open grave?
Well, that certainly got me further thinking on the matter. Debt was a deep grave we had dug for ourself a long time ago, and I was willing to continuously punish myself by sitting in the shame and regret even when I had been given my freedom. Are there other open graves in my life? Dank and dark places where I still sit despite knowing that I am no longer obligated to stay there? Is my grave forgiveness I stubbornly withhold? Ongoing guilt over my myriad of past mistakes? Pervasive anxiety over my children’s futures?
I am still pondering all that and working through it with God’s guidance. What can I say? I am a work in progress. But I am not in eternal debt anymore. Jesus paid that for me. And that’s what I want for you, friends. I want you to quiet your hearts and your minds and allow Jesus to pay your bill IN FULL. We are not meant to stay in our own figurative graves. We are meant to walk with our Father in the light. He loves us. He loves us enough to make the ultimate sacrifice with us on His mind. Receive it with confidence. Embrace it in full. Then have peace and joy because of it.
So, until next time, friends. May the God of Easter’s empty tomb shine His light on you. And may you stand up and walk right out of your own open grave – whatever those circumstances may be. He’s saved you a seat in the sunshine.
Happy Easter, bee readers!
Fondly, Melissa
“This resurrection life you received from God is not a timid, grave-tending life. It’s adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike “What’s next, Papa?” God’s Spirit touches our spirits and confirms who we really are. We know who he is, and we know who we are: Father and children. And we know we are going to get what’s coming to us—an unbelievable inheritance!” – Romans 8:15-16 (MSG)
