Two months ago, human beings in most parts of the world could never have fathomed our collective condition today. International closure of schools and colleges. Cruise ships offered to the government as floating hospitals. Chronically empty grocery shelves. No restaurants, movie theaters, hair salons, or toilet paper. Craziness! But lessons can be learned from heartbreak – lessons we can all lean into in our collective crisis.
I originally wrote a version of these words back in November 2017 after a very painful heartbreak in my own personal life. My spirit was crushed, and I felt too defeated to cry another tear. You see, I had dutifully prepared and waited four long years for something that turned to sand and fell between my fingers on a technicality. At the time all I could see was my own grief. Eventually I would be able to see the positive things that rose out of my heartbreak. However, I just didn’t have the hindsight at the time.
Maybe you are in a similar hard place right now, too. Maybe you are feeling a bit in denial about the scope of what is happening or how long our social shutdown will last? Perhaps you feel angry at the situation (or at God)? Experiencing sadness over what (and whom) we’ve lost? Well, I’m here to tell you that you are in good company, friends. And to assure you that there is beauty to eventually come out of these ashes. Here are four lessons I learned out of my own past heartbreak that we can lean into today.
Lesson #1: Vulnerability is not weakness.
Vulnerability is not the same as weakness. It actually takes great inner strength for many of us to accept help from other people. In other words, receiving generosity from other people definitely softens our sharp edges – especially around our own humility and trusting others.
Before four years of effort exploded in my face in 2017, I took pride in my self-sufficiency. I was a self-proclaimed “control enthusiast“. My philosophy had always been this: Definitely love other people, and maybe even trust them. But do NOT rely on them. Stand on your own two feet and take care of yourself. The person I trusted most in the world to get a job done was… well… me.
Well, guess what? I was spectacularly wrong. (And I say, if you are going to be wrong, be spectacularly wrong.) Four years of my own grinding effort blew up in my face like a bottle rocket on the Fourth of July. I was forced against my will into a position of relying on other people – not only for emotional support, but for material support as well. Quite unexpectedly, my painful position yielded one of the priceless lessons I learned from my heartbreak.
My pride was decimated. But you know what? God showed me that leaning on other people is how He designed the world. We are built to live in community and to rely on others. Even more importantly, I learned to rely on God above all else. He is my first and best strand.
Lesson #2: Live our true identity.
When my grief threatened to swallow me whole, I was tempted to believe untruths about myself. I labeled myself with names like “failure” and “fool”. That’s when God taught me a better path in my darkness, and I learned to walk out my true identity. (I’d been giving it lip service for years, but I learned to actually walk what I talked.) God wants that for ALL of us. In other words, He wants us to know WHO we are and to live confidently like we believe it.
In case we have forgotten in all the world’s present madness, let me first remind us who we are NOT. We are NOT today’s COVID-19 statistics. We are NOT “infected persons”, “panic buyers” or “essential-” versus “non-essential personnel”. In other words, our circumstances don’t define us. Our Father does. And He has some amazing things to say about WHO we truly are.
We are children of light – servants, stewards and soldiers. Witnesses and kingdom workers. In other words, we are warrior daughters and sons of the King. So, let’s stand tall in those identities and face our collective enemy with confidence.
Lesson #3: Prayer is an effective weapon.
Warriors need weapons, and prayer is a powerful one in battle. Most of us shy away from praying out loud (or at all), let alone with another person. We may feel awkward and perhaps a little judged. Heck, I can count on ZERO fingers the number of times I prayed out loud (excluding memorized blessings before dinner). Now I am far more comfortable with it. My grief in 2017 drove me to my knees where I learned more lessons from my heartbreak. There is something intimately powerful in us talking to our Creator.
Many of us don’t make a regular rhythm of prayer because we think we don’t know how. Spoiler alert: You actually DO know how. Talking to God does not demand props, fancy words or any other special mumbo-jumbo. God doesn’t pay more attention if you hold your hands a certain way, or bow your head or close your eyes. The King of Creation just wants you to bring the conversation to Him. Even more amazing, did you know He made provision for when you are so exhausted and overwhelmed that you have no more human words? Anyone out there currently exhausted and overwhelmed? His Spirit knows your heart and is willing to pray on your behalf. Yes, please!
God promises to listen to His children regardless of how we choose to communicate with Him. So, warriors, wield that weapon of prayer. For example, talk to God out loud or in silence. Speak with Him while you take an outdoor walk (at a responsible 6ft social distance, of course) or run on your treadmill. Are you moved by music? Then, sing your prayer if you prefer. Do you like to write? Then, journal your prayer in writing. Or maybe you are like I was in 2017 – too crushed and defeated at the moment to even have words. Then just sit quietly, and tell Him you are going to have a good cry at His feet. Just go to to Him, because He IS listening.
Lesson #4: Trouble is inevitable for everybody.
Part of my heartbreak stemmed from my (then) linear, transactional line of thinking. Maybe you can relate? Here is the equation: Hard Work = Success. Laziness = Failure. In other words, if I put in the effort, then I will get the desired result. Simple, really.
That’s partly why I felt so cheated. I had painstakingly dotted every “i” and crossed every “t”, yet I still missed out. Another way of saying it? I had played by the rules, and yet “lost”. Or so it felt at the time.
So, God patiently showed me that I was viewing Him the same way. I had done what He had asked of me, yet He didn’t deliver what I thought He should. Sort of like a heavenly vending machine. In my immature human mind, I saw my “defeat” as a betrayal and an abandonment. As it turned out, the “NO” that almost broke me in 2017 kept the path open for a bigger and brighter “YES” one year later. And I am forever grateful that God sees the whole big picture when I only see my own little sliver.
So, friends, we do not need to fully understand everything in life. Similarly, we don’t have to know or like every outcome to obey and trust our Creator. A heartbreaking “NO” today may become an even better “YES” in the future. And what Our Father doesn’t make right in this lifetime, He promises to make right in Eternity. Jesus said we should ALL expect trials on this earth, and that this life would be messy. It is not a transaction. No one is immune. But through Him, we can still be unshakable, assured and deeply at peace.
Let’s review.
Lesson #1: Reach out to others and allow them into our struggles. Next, Lesson #2: Remember who (and Whose) we are. Then, Lesson #3: Prayer is a powerful weapon. Use it. And lastly, Lesson #4: Expect trouble in this life, but take heart. Our Father has already won the war.
So, there we have it. Four lessons I learned out of heartbreak in 2017 that hold up in our 2020 situation. God knows exactly where we are, even in our darkness. He chooses us, even in our anger toward Him. He comes closest to us in our grief. And He fiercely loves us. No matter what. Our messes will eventually become our messages. And our tests will eventually become our testimonies. We may be separated, but we are never alone.
Adapted from original 11/16/2017 Facebook post. Image by Sasin Tipchai from Pixabay
