We walk a fine line, you and I. Reader and author. You see, on one hand I want to be authentic and genuine in my writing to allow you access to my messes. That’s where you and I find connection, and perhaps a little of MY mess rings familiar and proves encouraging to YOU as a result. On the other hand, I want to protect the privacy of the people I love best. I really hesitated about writing this week’s blog post about how coronavirus nearly unraveled our marriage.
Despite my concerns, however, God put it strongly on my heart to share this particularly difficult corner of our life with you. I also secured my husband’s input and blessing to turn our private business into public business, so no foul. We sincerely pray this week’s blog post provides hope and encouragement for wives and husbands out there. I feel as though God is nudging me to share it for someone in particular. Maybe you? Let’s see.
Marriage is work.
So, no big secret. Marriage is work. Yes, it is all of the wonderful blessings as well, but a healthy marriage takes effort. Lots of it. Allan and I will celebrate our 28th wedding anniversary next week, and we have certainly had our fair share of “for better or for worse” over those years. That is no secret and nothing unusual. So where is the problem? Excellent question.
The problem was that we didn’t sense what was silently decaying between us until we were forced together under one roof 24/7 with three kids, two remote jobs, and one global pandemic. Holy cow, the fireworks! Oh, I don’t mean goo-goo eyes, heart palpitations, sparks of chemistry fireworks. I mean heart ruptures. Everything about my spouse annoyed me. Everything. The way he chewed food. Or the way he breathed air. THE #$@% SNORING!
In our own stress and mental fatigue of dealing with COVID-19 lock down, we made a grave mistake. We leaned into our annoyance until it became anger. Then we marinated our anger in self-righteousness until it became bitterness and resentment. You see, in the absence of our usual hurried routines, we were alone with our thoughts and our raw emotions, and we gave into our enemy. Yes, our enemy.
Coronavirus nearly unraveled our marriage, but the virus itself is not our primary enemy. No, our real enemy is crafty and slick. He stealthily whispers doubt in our ears and then fertilizes it with pridefulness in our flawed human hearts into a tangle of invasive, choking briars. It goes something like this…
Our enemy starts off easily at first.
Our enemy starts off just under the radar. “Your husband sure avoids emotional intimacy. He’d rather look at a screen than look at you. (Insert deep chuckle here.) When was the last time he prioritized spending time with you?”
Huh, I never thought of it like that, but now that you mention it…
“And he is being awfully overbearing about all these COVID-19 precautions. How many times is he going to hound you about washing your hands or disinfecting the mail? You’re an adult woman, right? And didn’t he one-sidedly deem every restaurant drive-thru opportunity hazardous to your family? Did he even ask you or the kids how you felt about that? (Insert pitying ‘tsk-tsk’ sound here) He sure rules the roost with a tyrannical fist, doesn’t he?”
Um, well… yes, I do feel disrespected… And as a result, this is the point in the process where I tended to passive-aggresively undermine Allan’s authority with the kids.
Our enemy ramps up the attack.
“You know, Melissa, you statistically are in the second half of your life. Do you really want to stay married to a man who dismisses your feelings and bullies your household? Don’t you want to experience whatever is left of your life to the fullest with joy and freedom? Don’t you deserve some happiness and some peace to just breathe?!?”
Oh, my goodness. I really need to think about this. And stand up for myself! Add in some hateful words spilling out of my mouth and into my husband’s heart.
And that’s typically when our sneering enemy went in for the kill. “Your marriage is toxic for you and everyone involved. You have denied it in your heart for years. You need to separate.”
My husband is the problem. He has no desire to change. I am a strong and independent woman who deserves to feel valued. As sad as a separation may be, I am going to tell him we should seriously consider it.
Whoa. Do you see what our enemy did there? Coronavirus nearly unraveled our marriage in that our enemy took advantage of the insanely stressful situation to twist the truth and pit my husband and me against each other. But that’s not the end of the story.
Points of irony.
Please let us preface this next part by saying that we do NOT believe that God gives people illnesses or trauma or tragedies. We fully believe that we live in a broken world of our own human undoing, and God generally allows our collective free will in that broken world to play out. That being said, we think a few things at this point in our story are ironic.
- The one person in our household who was losing his mind over disinfecting wipes and hand sanitizer is ironically the same family member who contracted coronavirus. You can read that part of the story HERE.
- That coronavirus diagnosis earned said family member strict quarantine to one room of our house – literally separated from me and the kids for over three weeks (and counting) at the time of this publication. Also ironic considering that the notion of a marital separation had been introduced by our enemy.
The wall around my heart.
Suddenly and without any warning, I found myself essentially a single mother. Separated. Untethered. Free to run the household and parent the kids however I wanted to without interference. And at first I felt relieved. No more arguing or ongoing conflict. I could engage when I wanted to, and ignore my phone when I didn’t. I could totally handle this separation thing. And the superficial wall around my heart stood tall and proud with my smug enemy standing guard right outside.
Over the course of that first week, something began to shift. In our strained conversations, Allan often said that he was praying for my heart to be softened. MY heart? Are you kidding me? YOU are the one who needs to make some major changes, bucko. Softness in my heart feels an awful lot to me like surrendering my identity and giving up my rights. You just sit tight in that quarantine room and think about all the ways you’ve screwed up our family, mister.
Then I sensed something coming from a calm, strong and powerful source that I hadn’t been attuned to in my resentment. Join your husband in that prayer. You want me to pray for his heart to be softened? No, I want you to pray for your own heart to be softened.
If you’ve been reading the thankful bee for any length of time, you know I pay attention when God tells me to do something. So I prayed for my own softness. Multiple times. Begrudgingly at first, and then sincerely. And our enemy fled his sentry guard post, and the brick wall around my heart was exposed for healing.
There is work to be done.
It would do you a huge disservice to say that the wall around my heart crumbled like sand and everything is coming up unicorns and rainbow sprinkles. All issues solved. Easy peasy, Neat and tidy. Nope. There is work to be done. I need to continue (always) to work on my listening and communication skills. And I need to continue to work on full forgiveness for past hurts (good-bye brick wall). There are more line items on both of our “fix it” lists, and it may take some outside guidance to get us there. That’s okay by us. We are all in. In other words, we are fully committed to each other and our family.
So, coronavirus nearly unraveled our marriage. The relentless pressure cracked the door open for our enemy to get a foothold and start poisoning our territory. Yes, there is work to be done. We are excited for it. God is pruning our marriage to bear better fruit. My husband and I are far stronger together than apart. And we are strongest when God is at the center of our relationship.
Our prayer for you.
Maybe coronavirus has nearly unraveled your marriage, too? We see you, friends. We truly do. Allan and I have been blessed with the opportunity to minister to other couples through prayer on multiple occasions over the years, and we would love to do that for YOU, too. Drop us a comment below or confidentially email us with your personal prayer request for yourself, your spouse or your marriage. It would be an honor for us to serve you in this way. Be encouraged!
