It is a gross understatement to say I feel a bit prickly these days. I am about finished with our collective self-isolation experiment. How about you? Oh, I am playing by the rules. As a team player I am committed to doing whatever I can to keep front line workers, our most vulnerable populations and my own family safe. I am rocking this face covering and these disinfectant wipes like a beast. But let’s be real with each other, okay? We are together in close quarters, and frankly I can be a jerk sometimes. So can my husband and kids. We may need some tips for hugging a prickly cactus.
Tips for hugging a prickly cactus? What in the world? Yeah, you read that right. C – A – C – T – U – S. Cactus (plural “cacti” or “cactuses”). A member of the plant family Cactaceae of the order Caryophyllales. CACTUS.
My family of cacti.
There is actually a family of prickly cacti living in our house right now. A family of five bristly, brambly cacti with bothersome thorns. They stay disguised as my husband and children (and myself) most of the time. Until they don’t. And that’s when it gets tricky.
For example, my husband looks like my husband on the outside. But just underneath the surface is a saguro full of pointy spines. And my daughter? She’s a flowering Christmas cactus – usually only home to bloom over winter break from college. Except now she is underneath our roof for the foreseeable future and she is quite nettlesome about that fact. My eldest son? He is a prickly pear cactus – taking over our pantry and our refrigerator like an invasive species.
Hold on. Sweet little Luke (our toddler) can’t possibly be part of this analogy, right? Oh, yes. He is quickly approaching his 2nd birthday at the end of May and he qualifies for this metaphor as well. I am renaming his “terrible twos” as the “thorny twos”.
To continue our story, Luke is an indoor cactus, needing less light and less space than all the others. He is smaller in size, making him the perfect little quarantine houseplant. And I am a member of the Sempervivum group of succulent plants (also commonly known as “hen and chicks”), because I lay awake at night and fret over my brood. Am I doing enough to nurture my children (chicks)? Are my “babies” okay? Physically? And emotionally? What about spiritually? Am I going to still like them and their father when this is all over? No wonder I rarely sleep a solid night through.
Three tips for hugging YOUR prickly cactus.
The problem is that we are all called to love our enemies (and even our own beloved family members can feel like “enemies” sometimes these days). But how in the world are we supposed to do that? Well, God gave us some specific instructions. In other words, He left us some tips for hugging a prickly cactus or two.
Let’s look at the sixth chapter of the book of Luke. “To you who are ready for the truth, I say this: Love your enemies. Let them bring out the best in you, not the worst. When someone gives you a hard time, respond with the energies of prayer for that person.” (Luke 6:27-28, MSG) I see three specific tips in there for hugging a prickly cactus.
#1. Love your cactus.
I know, I know. That one seems too obvious. I mean we LOVE our families even in the moments we don’t exactly LIKE them, right? But let’s use “love” as a verb – an action word. Not just a feeling. Now, how do we LOVE our family members? Well, it is extremely helpful to understand how each one best receives love. (Hint: it is also how each one primarily shows love to other people.)
To help give that some context, I really like Gary Chapman’s “Five Love Languages”. You (and your cacti) can take an online quiz HERE to help you narrow it down. For instance, I know that my eldest son’s primary love language is Quality Time. My daughter’s is Gifts. My husband’s and our toddler’s is both Physical Touch, and mine is Verbal Affirmation.
So here is how I might play this on any given day. I may invite Colin to go get ice cream with me (socially distanced through a drive thru, of course). I may include some small thing from the grocery store that Hannah can have all to herself (e.g., a bag of her favorite candy). Luke may get extra cuddles, and I may even give my husband a long hug or kiss as we pass each other in the kitchen on separate household missions. And if any of them really want to show ME love in my best language, then they may compliment dinner, or tell me specifically what they appreciate about me, or leave me an encouraging note. Voilà . Love for every cactus in the house!
#2. Let your cactus bring out the best in you.
Every interaction we have with any other human being at any given moment in time involves a choice on our parts. We all have to make split-second decisions how we are going to react to other people. As I see it, we all have two main choices that could be summed up as kindness or malice. Grace or condemnation. Peace or chaos.
Oh, I hear you, friends. THAT is easier said than done when the other person is being a turd and doesn’t deserve our kindness/grace/peace. How many times have we held our sharp tongues at work when clients or co-workers are unreasonable bordering on ridiculous? Or we refrain from leaving too caustic a comment on an acquaintance’s social media post who clearly is supporting the “wrong” (aka not OUR) side of an issue? It’s exhausting some days, isn’t it?
I don’t know about YOU, but I frequently don’t choose to show the same level of restraint when reacting to my own family members – the people I love more than anyone else on the planet. I am often tired and overwhelmed these days. So I automatically default to some of my own family’s jerkiness with malice, condemnation or chaos. That certainly is NOT my best.
But, we can choose to do better. Every interaction is a fresh opportunity to get it right. Deep breath. Count to ten. Respond with kindness, grace and peace. (Yes, even if they don’t “deserve” it.) And when we get it wrong? Ask for forgiveness and try again.
#3 Pray for your cactus.
When your cactus gives you a hard time, pray for your cactus. Lord, please protect my annoying husband by keeping me from smothering his smug, snoring face with a pillow in the middle of the night. Amen. No, no. Try something like this (or whatever fits your situation) instead, “Lord, please help me view my husband’s efforts to protect our family as a gift. Grant him restful sleep for renewed strength to do his job from home to help provide for our family. Give him comfort when his own anxiousness causes him to stumble. Amen.”
Easy to do when our feelings have been trampled on? Nope. Priceless in preserving the fabric of our families? Yep.
a BONUS for you
Want to know a little bonus trick I use sometimes? When I am so hurt or angry that I would rather run a marathon (the WORST!) than do anything kind for the person who hurt me, I picture Jesus standing behind the offensive party. Just over their left or right shoulder. I literally focus my eyes on Him when I choose grace over condemnation. I look past my offender and look at Him instead when I choose to show love to my (at that moment) unlovable family member. In other words, hugging my prickly cactus of a husband/son/daughter is often easier when I visualize hugging Jesus at the same time.
Hang in there, friends. Take heart, be encouraged, and hug your prickly cacti. They just might bloom in this harsh landscape.
Featured image by Ulrike Leone from Pixabay
